From Resistance to Freedom
I had a sense of resistance regarding what happened at our previous church experience, obviously if you read the previous post, but as I look at it today, I’m not sure why.
A Powerful Message to the Universe
Earlier in the year (before leaving our post at the church), Brian and I had attended a workshop in Portland. I remember so clearly walking down the road to lunch, arm-in-arm, feeling so happy and free, so amazingly alive. I wanted more of it, more time with my love walking down a beautiful side-street where we had not been before. Discovering the beauty, feeling the peace and joy of being together without a hundred questions to answer and people waiting for us in a meeting that we were rushing to get to. I loved making new friends, talking about things that really matter in life, like our life itself. I loved meditating in groups and having spiritual experiences and talking about them with another. This was the life I wanted. This was the sense of freedom that called to me. This was the man I wanted to be with, a man deeply devoted to the spiritual path, to people, to enjoying life wherever we may be. I clearly sent out this joyous request to the Universe walking down that Portland street.
Wanting to Be Free
I wanted to be free, with my Love, Brian, and be able to go and do as we please, travel, experience life, free from the burden of running a ministry. So the Universe kicked into gear and helped it to happen in short order. Two months later. Before we left the retreat in Portland I remember the facilitator saying, “You’re going to go back and your world is going to fall apart and don’t you dare try to put it back together again.” Wow, were they right. In two months we both lost our jobs, sold our house and many of our belongings, put everything we didn’t sell in storage, got in our car and began driving toward the sunrise. That seemed like the direction to head as both of our youngest sons were in that direction. Neither of them really needed us anymore as they had launched their own lives, but it felt right to us. Besides Brian had never seen the Gulf Coast.
We explored Florida from January - May. Scouting around the pan handle, spending a month in a condo on the beach, discovering the tall pines and oaks in the Alachua area, enjoying time in the deserted city of Orlando (due to Covid), then down to Ft Lauderdale, and over to Naples, Ft. Meyers and Sarasota. Beautiful. Any land with so many beaches, connected to the continent, with tall trees, and abundant orchards, is the place for me. We fell in love with the tall pines and oaks. Brian, having grown up in the Pacific Northwest, felt at home in the forest. I grew up on the high desert planes of Colorado, and treasured trees as they were so rare to find there.
Kristen free under majestic oak trees
Finding A Home
While the world shut down from the pandemic, we bought a house at an incredibly affordable price surrounded by a few acres of forest. The home is surrounded in calm beauty with an active ecosystem of life, teeming with growing and living things. A place to regroup, heal, renew, relax and integrate everything. A place to dive deep into the chambers of discontent within and clean out the closets in every way. After awhile, Brian took a position he feels is making a positive difference in other’s lives.
So Where the Rub?
So why am I ticked at leaving our high-stress positions? I got what I was wanting in the end. As I sit with that question, I realize that It happened in such a disgraceful way. Egos pushing against egos with little regard to how it would impact the congregation, some who were just once again beginning to trust a religious organization. I know leaving would have hurt any way it happened. But our preference would have been for it to be much more gradual, kind, communicative, understanding and clear. It also hurt because I didn’t factor in how all of that unfolding in such a quick and curt way would impact my self confidence or my career, my income earning. Okay, let’s look at both of those, confidence and career.
Confidence
Confidence, during this unpacking time, I have removed the drive of striving. I have let go of the rocket fuel of force and am now open to what is and what wants to unfold. I have lost self confidence and am gaining Self-confidence. The latter is eternal. Not a bad trade. It’s just different, vastly different. It requires letting go of the ego, my way, control, forcing, making it happen. Now there is an energy about things, a cadence, social timing, noticing, aligning. There is also a greater awareness, respect, equality. I’m unlearning and looking for a better way. For Thy Will and Thy Power in a state of complete equality with all others. At least that is the goal and I’m leaning into it. Cleaning out the cobwebs, curious of the places where there is discomfort. So that is confidence, what about career?
Career
This one is challenging. As far as my career, my ego feels like it’s “done it right,” as right as it could, put myself out there, opened my heart, hoisted the sail and then what! Lord, help me remove the sting of this stigma, pain, discomfort, thorn within me. How do I get out of this place, this space?
Hit return, begin a new paragraph, recognize the pain is only alive within me. Becoming aware of where I feel it inside, threading the thread of thought back through the eye of the needle of awareness that strung these ideas into my strategies and methods of being. Going back to where it hurts inside. Aware of what is, aware of feeling this pain. Somehow that loosens the knot inside of me.
The pathway out is through feeling what is present: addressing the assumptions, taking the thought back through the eye of the assumed “truth,” looking at each bead collected on the thread that “proves” the thought which is bringing pain. Holding the pain of that thought. Examining each bead of evidence, thought to be “reality.”
I want to be free, truly free. I want to trust people, wisely, eyes open, heart discerning.
“Free” is defined as “not under the control or in the power of another; able to act or be done as one wishes; not or no longer confined or imprisoned.”
For the record, I want to be happy. My way is being determined each day in what I choose, the way that I am, what I believe, think, feel, say and do. I am free. I want to choose joy. I want to live my life in a balanced, beautiful, stress-free, loving way. I want my heart to be open, wise, and be healthfully connected to other healthy people. I want to be free to enjoy my life, God, my husband, our lives. I want to choose joy, happiness, peace and love to the maximum ability that I can each day. To speak and share my Truth as it is revealed to me. To use the talents and skills that I have in ways that are good for everyone.
Lord, show me the way.
2 Corinthians 3 - Ministers of the New Covenant
4 Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. 5 Not that we are competent of ourselves to claim anything as coming from us; our competence is from God, 6 who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of letter but of spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
10 Indeed, what once had glory has lost its glory because of the greater glory… 12 Since, then, we have such a hope, we act with great boldness.
16 …but when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit.
Generosity Opportunity
If you have received from this post, we invite you to consider supporting this work. Your generosity helps us with the resources needed to continue the work we are called to do. Thank you!
AwakenMe.Us is an LLC and donations are not tax deductible.
